As if trying to finish this book hadn’t already made me feel 112, today I discovered an amazing way to add decades to my age in seconds.

I should preface this by saying that I’ve spent about £100 a year for twenty years on Clarins moisturizer in an optimistic attempt to look 26 forever. According to my calculations, that’s £2,000 since 1990, give or take.  Let’s make it £5,000.  And today I reversed it all in half an hour.

I know you’re dying to learn my secret, so here it is: Half an hour at Topshop.

I’m not sure what I was thinking. Perhaps some deep primitive urge to explore the dark side. Perhaps it was temporary insanity.  Or perhaps the truth is simpler. Perhaps after all those months of wrestling with the muse, I forgot what the real world was really like.

Well, now i know. The real world is very frilly and short, and the colours range from a very pale unflattering taupe all the way through to a pale unflattering champagne, ending up with a kind of anaemic (yet somehow pale and unflattering) pink. Combined with black.  All of this must be worn with a hybrid joke dominatrix six-inch stiletto heel.

In case you’re feeling tempted to recreate my fashion journey, may I make a suggestion? Continue on a few blocks further west to Selfridges, where they sell clothes for grown-ups. Or skip the whole thing and visit the electronics department of John Lewis.

NB: If you’re under 35 or smaller than a size 10, ignore this blog entirely.


13 thoughts on “Amazing discovery: How to accelerate the ageing process.

  1. lynne Harris 9 years ago

    Great blog Meg … so true .. so sad … Here it’s abercrombie, hollister and american eagle.
    My 15 year old daughter would like to “make me look fashionable”.
    I resist her attempts and shop at Target, Marshalls and Talbot where they sell clothes for real people

  2. Angela Cerrito 9 years ago

    Meg, sorry about the shopping trauma! But, it makes for good blogging.

    Lynne, my dtr is like yours (she tries to put eyeliner on me!)

    I will never like shopping (even bought my wedding dress at a thrift shop -the first dress I tried on)

  3. bookwitch 9 years ago

    That’s a lot of money on moisturiser. What if that’s your inner beauty and always has been?

  4. Meg 9 years ago

    Witch, inner beauty is the only beauty I can honestly claim. And even that’s kind of dodgy.

  5. Sue Hyams 9 years ago

    Top Shop is a whole other world, and one I won’t enter without my daughter. Only thing is, when daughter goes one way and I go the other, I catch people looking at the size 8 skimpy things draped over my arm and wondering what on earth I’m thinking of!

  6. Meg 9 years ago

    In the past, I’ve never let my daughter out of my sight at Topshop, in the only slightly paranoid belief that on my own, I’d be spotted on a security camera and ejected. Shades of Studio 54 circa 1980.

  7. Lesley Martin 9 years ago

    Doesn’t Top Shop have this effect on everyone over 25? And doesn’t every girl under 25 think it’s heaven on earth?
    Love the blog.

  8. nicola baird 9 years ago

    I’m still baffled why Top Shop is a young must have experience- what’s the joy in looking like your tribe? Really, I don’t get it at all. but I have a tip – doesn’t Top Shop have a fashion buyer you can sort of borrow/hire (using vouchers) to walk around with the older “laydee” who will dress her client in Top Shop without necessarily including frilly, taupe or other stuff to frighten the horses. Mind you not tried it….

  9. Meg 9 years ago

    Having a fashion adviser would have merely depressed her and me. The trick next time is not to be so deluded as to enter the hallowed portals. And as for the tribe, I remember shopping endlessly in the early 70s for Landlubber bell-bottom jeans with just the right kind of raised seams. Don’t think conformity is exactly new…..and without relentless conformity, how would the chosen few rebel???

  10. Teri Terry 9 years ago

    I have a confession to make.
    I wear stuff from Top Shop, and I’m over 25. And I don’t even have a daughter to shadow to get in the door; I just march on in.

    (stuff = socks; I like their socks)

  11. Meg 9 years ago

    Socks don’t count. Nor does jewelry, which I get from TS all the time. And I said under 35 OR under size 10. So it’s not like I disapprove. I’d love to dress from TS. My stick thin fashionable managing editor is always showing up in some fabulous combination of TS and Dover Street market.

  12. C 9 years ago

    What if you’re under 35 and a size 8?

  13. Amanda 9 years ago

    I’m under 35 and smaller than a size 10, and I don’t like Topshop. I think it’s more about what sort of a person you are than about how old and thin you are. As in, non-conformist = Topshop hater… or something along those lines…

    And I hate the disgusting “neutral” shades that everyone my age seems to wear at the moment. What’s wrong with colours?

    (So there’s my take on it…)

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