Dear Sir or Madam in what is laughably referred to as ‘customer service’:
Thank you very much for your demand that I pay a large sum plus a fine “at my earliest convenience” — which I have ripped into a gazillion tiny pieces. I have searched my soul at length to determine whether it was indeed my fault that your connecting train ran twenty minutes late (thus making me miss my train to London) and decided that it almost certainly was not.
I suppose the demand for payment of an additional £129, for “travelling without a ticket” on a later, slower, more crowded train (plus £20 for “administrative fees”) showed pluck on your part, but did not inspire me to hand over my credit card along with my perfectly valid full-fare through-ticket for the earlier train.
Please do not misinterpret my reasonable tone. If you contact me again, unless it is to offer an apology for your unwelcome harassment, or to offer compensation for my ruined day and subsequent mental suffering, I shall hire the most expensive firm of lawyers I can find and run myself, my heirs, and — of course — you, into bankruptcy in an attempt to further clarify my position.
From now on, I intend to eschew your service and travel by alternative means, and will encourage my numerous friends and family to do the same.
Yours extremely sincerely,
Meg
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Joanne Harris, Meg Rosoff. Meg Rosoff said: I like to think of myself as a reasonable person. http://goo.gl/fb/tFbd6 [...]
Dear Customer,
please understand we have to find a way to finance our new harried-customer-harassment machines, disguised as ticket machines which will eat your debit cards, issue a ticket at a higher rate and with more flexibility than you wanted to buy and still charge you again when our trains run to our behind the scenes timetable (in which we reserve the right to differ from the published customer version).
Good luck with your new choice bedouin method of transport. Please don’t let it spit in our direction. We already have the hump, it’s in our job description.
Even more sincerely,
This letter is left unsigned since the monkey can’t do that yet.
Dear Mr Chained To Your Desk
Thank you for your prompt response. However, please note that my camel does not spit. It buries people up to their eyes in sand and then brings in a lorryload of gravel.
Best wishes,
Meg
OH Meg – genius – please please please tell us you really did send it – got to share this….
I don’t know if you’re aware of the brilliant “What Is Stephen Harper Reading?” project, but I thought you might like to know that “How I Live Now” is the latest selection!
http://tinyurl.com/35kxylw
Yes, thank you, Eva. I heard about it when I was in SF but will post the link on my FB site now. It’s a great honour!
I wish I had read this before I wrote a very polite note to the much too efficient people who delivered the new oven 24 hours early and expected us to be home – and now want me to pay for them to re-deliver it….you are obviously made of very tough stuff!
[...] And Meg Rosoff has been on a train. I gather from her blog post about it that it wasn’t an unqualified success. But at least Meg is someone who can write a good letter of complaint. Me, I just shout on paper. I’ve always felt that irony and humour would be wasted. Maybe not? Could try it next time. Because we all know there will be a next time. [...]
This is why I love you.