1.  I’m walking down Sixth Avenue around 55th street, and a guy comes up to me and says, “Excuse me, how do you get to Carnegie Hall?”  I have waited all my life for this line. Flustered, I say, “Just up there, turn left, you’ll see it in front of you.”

2.  I’m waiting for a bus, carrying a cake in a white box.  I notice that my shoe is untied, kneel down, put the cake beside me on the sidewalk, tie the shoe and look around.  No cake. A moderately crazy looking woman is staring at me, holding my cake.

“Could I have my cake back  please?” say I.  

“I found it.  You should give me a reward,” says the moderately crazy person.

“But I didn’t lose it. You stole it.”

“Are you calling me a thief?” shouts the crazy person.

“No,” I say.  I give her five bucks. She gives me the cake.

3. I’m waiting in line at the cash machine on Christopher Street on a Sunday afternoon.  Big guy comes in, points a huge gun at me and says “Gimme all your money or I’ll blow your head off.”  I consider explaining that the reason I’m standing in line for the cash machine is that I have no cash. Instead, we shuffle patiently along in the queue until it’s my turn. I withdraw $50, ask if that’s enough, and give it to him.  He says, “Sorry about that,” quite politely, takes the money and runs away.

4. One night, around 3am, I hear an actual gunshot in the living room of my tiny apartment. I wait and wait, finally gather the courage to investigate. No sign of break-in. Nothing.  I shiver in bed, awake, all night. The next morning I notice that my bike has a flat tire. Overfilled with air, it exploded in the middle of the night.

5. A dinner party at mine. Everyone’s drunk. We’re talking about the paranormal. I say, “I’m perfectly willing to believe in all that stuff, I’m just waiting for a sign.” I go to the kitchen to make some coffee and note that there are ten inch flames coming out of the soap dish by the sink. I think, huh, soap’s on fire. Put out the flames and go back to the table. “Anyway,” I say, “so until I get a sign, I can’t exactly believe, can I?”

26

6 thoughts on “New York stories 1980-1989. All true.

  1. bookwitch 6 years ago

    I’m staying well away from you!

  2. Bazza 6 years ago

    My first time in New York, sitting with my wife and two small daughters in an upstairs Chinese restaurant. Outside, from the street we hear the sounds of:
    *A knife fight
    *People screaming
    *About four cop cars screeching to a halt
    *More people sreaming and yelling
    The four of us rush to the window to look down. Nobody else in the room so much as blinks in reaction. Someone calls out to me “Siddown; it’s summertime, this happens every hour or so, welcome to NYC!”
    Bazza’s Blog ‘To Discover Ice’

    *

  3. Michelle 6 years ago

    The cake and the moderately crazy person story was hilarious.

  4. Nina Killham 6 years ago

    I’m on the floor laughing. Somehow you must find a way to put all five of those in a novel. The same novel. I’ll be waiting… xx

  5. Engrid E 6 years ago

    OFLMAO….Blog on NYC (80s) and the one on Xmas (me, too) = literally LOL. Thank you 🙂

  6. Shelley SOUZA 6 years ago

    This could be the come-back book to, “The Five People You Meet in Heaven.”

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