A person quite near and dear to me who shall remain nameless has a habit of misplacing things.  Keys (mainly keys), glasses, shoes, important bits of paper, things that were just here a second ago, vital documents that were in my hand, that bus pass (somebody took it, I always keep it right here). Etc.

These misplaced things often turn up in odd places. Like the fridge (glasses). And most recently, the kitchen soap dish (keys).

Now, no one is dopey enough actually to put his/her keys in a soap dish. No one.

Which leaves only two possibilities: 1. Fairies and 2. Small worm holes in the universe.

In our house, the jury is still out. I favour small worm holes in the universe, but other persons are convinced that our house is riddled with malignant fairies and goblins who amuse themselves by addling our (mainly his) minds.

Some persons become so distressed at this malicious sport that they find themselves suspecting even their beloved and long-suffering partners of gaslighting them. Like said spouses have nothing at all better to do.

In any case. As a public service to the deranged, demented and cuckoo around the world, I hereby offer a directory of some of the more commonly unexpected places that keys, wallets, telephones and bus passes — having been whisked away by tricky goblins or worm holes in the universe — are likely to turn up.

  1. In the arm of a long-unworn jacket (particularly good for wallets to wedge themselves)
  2. In a shoe or boot (earrings or keys)
  3. In the kitchen cutlery drawer (keys, reading glasses)
  4. Under all the quilts and duvets of a bed (bus pass, mobile phones)
  5. caught on the inside of a sweater (house keys)
  6. in a supermarket bag crumpled up at the back of a drawer (change from £20 and car keys)
  7. in the lint tray of the dryer (change from £5 and car keys)
  8. in the vegetable or freezer compartment of the fridge (passports, wallets)
  9. on the upper deck of the number 19 bus.

How do I know about these places? I couldn’t possibly say.

Though it’s a well known fact that some of my best friends are demented fairies.


12 thoughts on “A Directory of Unexpected Places

  1. K M Lockwood 7 years ago

    Ever found a teapot in the fridge? Our resident Sock Monster does that sort of thing. Hides pens away from the phone then returns them after you’ve forgotten the vital number. Eats the last remaining school tie and regurgitates it a moment before the School Photo.
    I’d go with the fairies. Malevolent cable-tie chewing little beggars.

  2. Vanessa Harbour 7 years ago

    It does worry me sometimes Meg, I am sure you are watching me and my little life though I think you need to add the pile of marking/research/MSS which seems to sneak on top of said phone, purse, keys…And I am sure I have looked in these places and they are not there it is only when I go back for the third time they are…maybe you are right maybe it is the fairies

  3. Elli 7 years ago

    The fridge is one of the first places I look for my keys. I know myself far too well. But it took ages to find my daughter’s bracelets (in the guinea pig hutch, even though she was convinced she’d put them on the microwave). I just hope she doesn’t confuse microwaves and guinea pig hutches normally – it could get a little messy.

  4. Mieke Zamora-Mackay 7 years ago

    How about demented fairies coming through the wormholes?

    When I can’t find my keys, they’re usually still in the lock of my front door. Just hanging there, for any burglar to use to walk into my house.

  5. April Tucholke 7 years ago

    Gaslight rules. That reference made my gosh darn day.

  6. Sandra-Lynne Jones 7 years ago

    I’m glad I am not the only one to have found my glasses in the fridge (the freezer, actually!)

  7. EJ Runyon 7 years ago

    If you discover that you (You, I’m shocked, shocked to relay, YOU) are becoming ‘fairyish, or have been somehow nominated as a wormhole Janus, here is a simple baker’s dozen of steps for dealing with ‘the change’.

    1. Return from store with three items in your bag.

    2. Feel a distinct absence of tingling in extremities and absolutely no dimness of mind at all as the refrigerator door is opened.

    3. Pause.

    4. Reach into bag and hold Item #1 up against the fridge’s depths – squint.

    5. Ask self: Does this item fit this location?

    6. Reply to self – No this is a Netflix folder from today’s mail- set on top of last night’s leftover pizza.

    7. Reach into bag and hold Item #2 up against the fridge’s depths – sniff.

    8. Ask self: Does THIS item fit this location?

    9. Reply to self – NO. (Hah!) THIS is a set of keys I’ll need soon.

    10. Smugly place the item in the butter-bin for safe keeping until needed.

    11. Reach into bag and hold Item #3 up against the fridge’s depths – sigh.

    12. Ask self: Does THIS item fit this location?

    13. Reply to self –‘Lemons? Hummm.’ And place them inside, forgetting to close door as you step aside to answer your ringing umbrella.

    NOT a true story! (that I’m willing to take credit for experiencing.)

  8. Meg Rosoff 7 years ago

    It’s my lemon that usually starts ringing at the theatre, not the umbrella. But otherwise, this is a handy and useful guide.

  9. bookwitch 7 years ago

    ‘Mr Rosoff’ has struck me as rather more organised than this. Who have you got in mind, really?

  10. Jan Carr 7 years ago

    This is such a good list. I appreciate such things. My family don’t . When they ask the “Muuuuummmm, have you seen my…..” question, because I always try to be helpful, I list. I’m about half way through “…under the red settee, in Dad’s wardrobe, Bryson’s bed (Bryson’s the dog)….”. When whichever family member it is, they all do it, looks at me like I should be in a home and says “Have you actually seen it?” I say no, and they carry on their rubbish looking.
    But I love to be right, you can understand that can’t you? So I relish the victory when I usually i find the lost thing in one of the places on the list, under something.
    I’m never really sure who’s the clever one, though, me for finding whatever it is or them for getting me to look.

  11. Ayse 7 years ago

    They make their homes (not sure where?) from all the socks that go missing in the washing machine….which would mean they hang out a lot by washing machines….sadly, have never ever managed to get near one to have a word!

  12. Mr Grossman 6 years ago

    In all seriousness, i do believe small wormholes exist. because i lose things inexplicably, when there is no logical explanation of how quickly they vanish. sometimes they turn up again, some have never reappeared. for example. in a fairly clean car at a petrol station before even leaving my car i notice my phone slide off my lap, so immediately begin searching all the known areas it would fall to. No success. Not one item is on the floor, even under the mats. after checking and rechecking all areas inside the car. still nothing. even the glove box which gravity wouldn’t carry it to alone. i can only come to one logical conclusion. a wormhole sucked my phone into another dimension.

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