First, sell the film rights and wait eight years.
Next, catch a train to Wales.
Debark when you get to Cardiff. Mind the gap.
If you’re lucky, you’ll be met by a car. Set off down the motorway in a strong east west easterly direction past Llangadocmadog and Llarrythellamb and keep going straight. After a very long interval, leave the motorway and drive back the way you came for an hour or so. Turn left, then right, go straight, then right, then left, then right again until you pass the same four villages twelve times in a row and are insanely carsick. Ask “are we there yet” in a tone of voice that conveys an unwillingness to be kidnapped and murdered.
Stop and ask directions. If you can understand the answer, you’re still hours away.
When none of the road signs is intelligible and the lovely lilting accents of the locals entirely obscure the meaning of the place-names so that your only recourse is to nod nonchalantly, mumble something in Mandarin and drive away at speed, you’re getting close.
Pass through Eglwyswrw and Cwmtwrch Ynysybwl, Eglwysfach, Bwlch, Yr Wyddgrug, Machynlleth, Llyn Clywedog, Ynys Hif, Llanbrynmaer, Llwynpia.
Make a three point turn, narrowly avoid a platoon of Welsh Guards running up a mountain, grinning, with pianos on their backs. Your driver will look morose and say, “I really miss doing that.”
When you finally arrive, you’ll see the most amazingly beautiful house overlooking How Green were my Valleys on all sides.
Dogs and dog wranglers and goats and goat wranglers and child actors and child actor wranglers and about 1000 other incredibly busy tech types will fly past as you peer around and attempt to become…invisible.
Watch the monitor for take 43 while the dog handler hisses, “speak Diesel!” and an insanely articulate ten year old babbles improvised dialogue and three poised boys radiate exactly the quality you always imagined they’d radiate and the loveliest actress you’ve ever seen looks a bit confused and non-plussed and angry and vulnerable all at once which is clearly what makes her such a great actress, and then think to yourself,
Here we are at last.