Anyone who knows me well realizes that although I have ended up a writer, I have always dreamt of being a matchmaker.
There is no doubt in my mind that this is a throwback to some ancient great-great-great-grandmother from the shtetl who was a professional matchmaker, and who herself got up to a bit of hanky panky with a cossack out on the steppes, thus explaining both my enduring need to connect people with their soulmates, and my love of horses.
Today’s project involves matchmaking. Mainly because one of the nicest, funniest, smartest persons I know is single and both he and I are Jewish, and in the words of (the non-Jewish) Jane Austen, it is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Not sure how much of a fortune he has, but given the quality of his books, I’m sure he’s not broke.
The man in question is Andy Stanton, who has recently finished a relationship, and if your first reaction is to gasp and say, “But how could such a lovely man not be inundated with girlfriends?” well, you’d be right.
I’m taking applications on the comments section of this blog, but please keep your reasons for wanting to meet and possibly spend the rest of your life with him relatively short. I’ll contact anyone who seems like a good match and you guys can take it from there. You never know.
A few things you should know about Andy follow in this exhaustive match-making Q&A.
In my opinion, he needs someone sane, funny, stable, probably not too Jewish (how many depressive neurotics can one relationship handle? has always been my theory) and intelligent. Someone who will laugh fondly at him when he feels the world is coming to an end and give five or six off-the-cuff reasons that it isn’t. Probably not a writer (just a general theory that one writer in a relationship is enough). I think I remember him saying once that he wanted to have kids. He’s 38 or thereabouts, and though he says he’s 5’11” I’d have said 6’2″. Maybe it’s the hair.
1. As which animal would you like to be reincarnated? Cat.
2. Which foodstuff can you not live without? Tomatoes.
3. Coffee or tea? Banana or icepick? Dog or marsupial? Tea, icepick, dog.
4. Do you own a Panama hat? No.
5. How tall are you? How tall would you like to be? 5ft 11. 5 ft 11.
6. Are you frightened of the whole concept of “the universe?” (I ask because I’m rigid with terror, not that I’m trying to fix me up with you) Yes, by everything at a macroscopic level, everything at a microscopic level; and everything in between.
7. Do you believe in an afterlife? If so, who would be there? If not, how very sensible. I don’t know. If there is one I suspect it’ll be miserable.
8. What’s your least favourite film? I think ‘Lost in Translation’ and ‘The Big Lebowski’ are both hugely overrated heaps of junk.
9. What drives you mad about people in general? I don’t know what they’re for. And it annoys me that you never really know why anyone does anything or what they’re really thinking.
10. What do you like best about women (if you say breasts, we’re stopping the interview right here, btw)? I don’t know. But I know I like them.
11. Are you any good in an emergency? Say, an electrical storm or a fire at sea? I’m pretty good when things go wrong. It just confirms what I’ve suspected would happen anyway so I’m pretty comfortable in such situations.
12. If, in order to survive, you had to eat grasshoppers, would you eat grasshoppers? What if they were Kosher? I’d eat the grasshoppers. If they were Kosher I’d still eat them.
13. Who do you admire? Who do you un-admire? I admire musicians, writers, comedians and artists who pursue their own vision.
14. What are you listening to on those expensive earphones all the time? Funky or sad music.
15. Would you rather die quietly on your own, or have the whole human race wiped out at once, say, by an asteroid? On my own. I don’t like scenes.
16. Cake or beef? Up or down? Here or there? Beef because I’m on a diet where I’m not meant to be eating much sugar. If you’d asked me a month ago I’d have said down but now I’m saying up, because I recently went to Barcelona and liked it best when we got up high over the city. Probably there, but I always stay here.
17. Five desert island books and a luxury. ‘Bleak House’, ‘Gravity’s Rainbow’, ‘The Furies’, ‘Cannery Row’, ‘The Stand’. And my electric guitar.