Anyone who knows me well realizes that although I have ended up a writer, I have always dreamt of being a matchmaker.

There is no doubt in my mind that this is a throwback to some ancient great-great-great-grandmother from the shtetl who was a professional matchmaker, and who herself got up to a bit of hanky panky with a cossack out on the steppes, thus explaining both my enduring need to connect people with their soulmates, and my love of horses.

Today’s project involves matchmaking. Mainly because one of the nicest, funniest, smartest persons I know is single and both he and I are Jewish, and in the words of (the non-Jewish) Jane Austen, it is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

Not sure how much of a fortune he has, but given the quality of his books, I’m sure he’s not broke.

The man in question is Andy Stanton, who has recently finished a relationship, and if your first reaction is to gasp and say, “But how could such a lovely man not be inundated with girlfriends?” well, you’d be right.

I’m taking applications on the comments section of this blog, but please keep your reasons for wanting to meet and possibly spend the rest of your life with him relatively short. I’ll contact anyone who seems like a good match and you guys can take it from there. You never know.

A few things you should know about Andy follow in this exhaustive match-making Q&A.

In my opinion, he needs someone sane, funny, stable, probably not too Jewish (how many depressive neurotics can one relationship handle? has always been my theory) and intelligent. Someone who will laugh fondly at him when he feels the world is coming to an end and give five or six off-the-cuff reasons that it isn’t. Probably not a writer (just a general theory that one writer in a relationship is enough). I think I remember him saying once that he wanted to have kids. He’s 38 or thereabouts, and though he says he’s 5’11” I’d have said 6’2″. Maybe it’s the hair.

1.  As which animal would you like to be reincarnated? Cat.
2.  Which foodstuff can you not live without? Tomatoes.
3.  Coffee or tea?  Banana or icepick?  Dog or marsupial? Tea, icepick, dog.
4.  Do you own a Panama hat? No.
5.  How tall are you?  How tall would you like to be? 5ft 11. 5 ft 11.
6.  Are you frightened of the whole concept of “the universe?” (I ask because I’m rigid with terror, not that I’m trying to fix me up with you) Yes, by everything at a macroscopic level, everything at a microscopic level; and everything in between.
7.  Do you believe in an afterlife?  If so, who would be there?  If not, how very sensible. I don’t know. If there is one I suspect it’ll be miserable.
8.  What’s your least favourite film? I think ‘Lost in Translation’ and ‘The Big Lebowski’ are both hugely overrated heaps of junk.
9.  What drives you mad about people in general? I don’t know what they’re for. And it annoys me that you never really know why anyone does anything or what they’re really thinking.
10. What do you like best about women (if you say breasts, we’re stopping the interview right here, btw)? I don’t know. But I know I like them.
11. Are you any good in an emergency?  Say, an electrical storm or a fire at sea? I’m pretty good when things go wrong. It just confirms what I’ve suspected would happen anyway so I’m pretty comfortable in such situations.
12. If, in order to survive, you had to eat grasshoppers, would you eat grasshoppers?  What if they were Kosher? I’d eat the grasshoppers. If they were Kosher I’d still eat them.
13.  Who do you admire?  Who do you un-admire? I admire musicians, writers, comedians and artists who pursue their own vision.
14.  What are you listening to on those expensive earphones all the time? Funky or sad music.
15.  Would you rather die quietly on your own, or have the whole human race wiped out at once, say, by an asteroid? On my own. I don’t like scenes.
16.  Cake or beef?  Up or down?  Here or there? Beef because I’m on a diet where I’m not meant to be eating much sugar. If you’d asked me a month ago I’d have said down but now I’m saying up, because I recently went to Barcelona and liked it best when we got up high over the city. Probably there, but I always stay here.
17.  Five desert island books and a luxury. ‘Bleak House’, ‘Gravity’s Rainbow’, ‘The Furies’, ‘Cannery Row’, ‘The Stand’. And my electric guitar.

 

 

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42 thoughts on “EXCITING NEW MATCHMAKING PROJECT

  1. Andy Stanton 4 years ago

    Y’all people are tripping.

    1. Meg Rosoff 4 years ago

      That’s for bloody sure.

  2. bookwitch 4 years ago

    Andy, will you marry us? Or some of these lovely ladies, at least?

  3. Mark 4 years ago

    I’m finding this whole process very sexist. It’s like there’s a glass Andy ceiling. All men can ever hope to be is his friend.

    1. bookwitch 4 years ago

      Hope for anything you like, Mark. Many people write fan fiction based on their own sexual orientation, and never mind the one of the object’s. We can always dream.

    2. Mark 4 years ago

      Oooooh, beardy love fan fiction. I could throw Philip Ardagh into the mix as well.

    3. Mark 4 years ago

      Andy dragged his fingers through Phil’s magnificent mane.

      “I never knew such beards were possible,” Andy whispered.

      “Anything is possible without razors.”

      It sends a shiver down my spin.

  4. Caroline 4 years ago

    I don’t live in London does that mean automatic disqualification? I’m also not a writer or a musician or an actor or anything creative really but I love taking photographs, listening to melancholy music, raspberries, gingerbread and rockpools; I’m hopeless at grammar and mental arithmetic and I’m irrationally afraid of earwigs; but I’m happy, thoughtful, practical and I really enjoy baking, laughing, cups of tea, mysteries and wine.
    Really don’t know if any of this is making me sound intriguing or just a bit weird but I love this matchmaking idea and well what’s the worst that could happen?

  5. Andy Stanton 4 years ago

    Meg, you might want to remove this troll’s comments, they’re hilarious but only to a point.

  6. Sandra-Lynne 4 years ago

    P.S. The mention of grunts did put me off a bit.

  7. cathi rae 4 years ago

    i am sadly
    a] too old
    b] too old
    c] too old

    and lovely though he sounds, he doesnt appear to have hooves, a mane or a tail, so my interest is only slightly piqued, BUT if you want to extend your matchmaking prowess to the provinces, do let me know xx

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