MerryXmasDrunkSanta-1

It’s nearly Christmas, but you’ve still got more parties, drinks and nights out left to go, right? Since you can’t escape the relentless existential shriek that is the Holiday Season, here are some of my patented ways of looking your personal best right up to the big day. (And looking good is extra important this time of year, because the minute you let standards slip you’ll definitely run into someone you once slept with.)

Hold onto your bells, my little elves:

  1. Spread a thin layer of superglue on your lips, then press firmly together before going to the office party. Apply foundation and lipstick. You’ll be the belle of the ball!
  2. A substantial surface of dust on your full length mirror will smooth out that tired December complexion in seconds. For added glamour and mystery, turn off most of the lights in the room and lean the mirror against the wall at a 20 degree angle. You’ll lose 10% of your body weight instantly!
  3. Lie about your age. Tell everyone you’re ten years older than you really are, and wait for the compliments to flow!
  4. Hire a younger, more attractive person to say she’s you all night. You might even get lucky with that gorgeous guy from accounting!  Or, um, she might.
  5. Don’t have quite the right clothes to wear to that really special holiday party? Try this cunning trick, known only to stylists and hardcore fashionistas: Stay at home in bed watching old episodes of Downton Abbey. When friends say, “where were you?” answer, “Where were you? I looked everywhere! Great party, wasn’t it?”
  6. Hate walking in vertigo-inducing high heels? Here’s a hint: Just don’t!
  7.  And last but not least, remember that a smile is your best accessory. Smiling tightens the muscles of your sagging face and sends endorphins to even the most wobbly, grey, depressed parts of your body. (Need a reason to smile? Here’s our favourite: Eleven days and it’ll all be over. Big Group Yay!)

 

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6 thoughts on “Beauty Tips for the Seasonally Disgruntled

  1. Jake Elliott 3 years ago

    Oh my gosh…

  2. Bev Turner 3 years ago

    Brewer’s droop?

  3. Belinda 3 years ago

    I particularly like the hint about dust. Quentin Crisp would have LOVED it.

  4. jackie 3 years ago

    Alternatively live so far away from London that the chance of going to a party, even if your publisher should have one, is about as remote as your geographical location.
    It helps if you have a deadline looming. Fingers in ears, sing lalalalal loud and pretend that Christmas is a hell that happens to other people.

  5. Laura Friedlander 3 years ago

    Far away? Would the Shetland Isles be any good? A week of freezing conditions followed by torretial rain and howling winds. Ferries are on strike, flights disrupted due to weather so you couldn’t get here even if you wanted to. I particularly like hint nummber five -can I make hint number five last for two weeks????

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