A Directory of Unexpected Places


A person quite near and dear to me who shall remain nameless has a habit of misplacing things.  Keys (mainly keys), glasses, shoes, important bits of paper, things that were just here a second ago, vital documents that were in my hand, that bus pass (somebody took it, I always keep it right here). Etc. These misplaced things often turn up in odd places. Like the fridge (glasses). And most recently, the kitchen soap dish (keys).

Now, no one is dopey enough actually to put his/her keys in a soap dish. No one.

Which leaves only two possibilities: 1. Fairies and 2. Small worm holes in the universe.

In our house, the jury is still out. I favour small worm holes in the universe, but other persons are convinced that our house is riddled with malignant fairies and goblins who amuse themselves by addling our (mainly his) minds.

Some persons become so distressed at this malicious sport that they find themselves suspecting even their beloved and long-suffering partners of gaslighting them. Like said spouses have nothing at all better to do.

In any case. As a public service to the deranged, demented and cuckoo around the world, I hereby offer a directory of some of the more commonly unexpected places that keys, wallets, telephones and bus passes -- having been whisked away by tricky goblins or worm holes in the universe -- are likely to turn up.

  1. In the arm of a long-unworn jacket (particularly good for wallets to wedge themselves)

  2. In a shoe or boot (earrings or keys)

  3. In the kitchen cutlery drawer (keys, reading glasses)

  4. Under all the quilts and duvets of a bed (bus pass, mobile phones)

  5. caught on the inside of a sweater (house keys)

  6. in a supermarket bag crumpled up at the back of a drawer (change from £20 and car keys)

  7. in the lint tray of the dryer (change from £5 and car keys)

  8. in the vegetable or freezer compartment of the fridge (passports, wallets)

  9. on the upper deck of the number 19 bus.

How do I know about these places? I couldn't possibly say.

Though it's a well known fact that some of my best friends are demented fairies.