Beauty Tips for the Seasonally Disgruntled
It's nearly Christmas, but you've still got more parties, drinks and nights out left to go, right? Since you can't escape the relentless existential shriek that is the Holiday Season, here are some of my patented ways of looking your personal best right up to the big day. (And looking good is extra important this time of year, because the minute you let standards slip you'll definitely run into someone you once slept with.) Hold onto your bells, my little elves:
Spread a thin layer of superglue on your lips, then press firmly together before going to the office party. Apply foundation and lipstick. You'll be the belle of the ball!
A substantial surface of dust on your full length mirror will smooth out that tired December complexion in seconds. For added glamour and mystery, turn off most of the lights in the room and lean the mirror against the wall at a 20 degree angle. You'll lose 10% of your body weight instantly!
Lie about your age. Tell everyone you're ten years older than you really are, and wait for the compliments to flow!
Hire a younger, more attractive person to say she's you all night. You might even get lucky with that gorgeous guy from accounting! Or, um, she might.
Don't have quite the right clothes to wear to that really special holiday party? Try this cunning trick, known only to stylists and hardcore fashionistas: Stay at home in bed watching old episodes of Downton Abbey. When friends say, "where were you?" answer, "Where were you? I looked everywhere! Greatparty, wasn't it?"
Hate walking in vertigo-inducing high heels? Here's a hint: Just don't!
And last but not least, remember that a smile is your best accessory. Smiling tightens the muscles of your sagging face and sends endorphins to even the most wobbly, grey, depressed parts of your body. (Need a reason to smile? Here's our favourite: Eleven days and it'll all be over. Big Group Yay!)